tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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