Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
