My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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