I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
