I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
