one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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