i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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