meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
