hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
