all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
