Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
