when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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