Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
