mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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