Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
