can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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