i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
