i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
