I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
