Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
