Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
