I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
