I could have mohawked her pubes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
