Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
