I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
