i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
