hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
