you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
