I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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