Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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