I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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