two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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