I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
