She's JV to your varsity
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We were destined to go to rehab together
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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