Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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