I think I won the penis lottery.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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