drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
