woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
