I faked an abortion last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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