meet me or not, i'm out of control
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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