im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
