"it" just moved
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
