i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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