do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
