Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
