Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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