let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
