This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
