cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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