After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
